Submission

Performative vs. True Submission. Unhealthy Leadership. Submitting to a Man Who Isn’t Ready to Lead. Physical Submission. & More

Submission is not a performance to please men. It’s not lust-driven. It’s not about going back to the 50s or becoming a “trad wife”. It’s not pretending to be soft, sweet, and gentle just to earn and keep a man’s attention. It’s not suppressing your voice while your heart is slowly building resentment. It’s not tolerating disrespect. It’s not saying "yes" when your body and spirit say "no”.

And it’s definitely not a weapon to attract men who crave control but are not worthy of respect.

Submission is a form of worship, in my opinion. This is why it’s so sacred. It’s a form of worship that honors the divine order God created. Because true submission, which is godly submission, is rooted in love, safety, and trust. And is there anything more beautiful than being able to experience all three of those things in a relationship?

But trust must be earned. You can’t give the sacred gift of your feminine submission to a man who doesn’t submit to God first. You can’t follow a man who is led by his ego, his lusts, or his wounds. You must know that he is submitted first to discipline, and to something higher than himself. Only then will you be able to truly trust his leadership. And when a man is anchored in God, he won’t ever lead from a place of control, but from love. He won’t lead to please his ego, but to feed your soul.

A good leader in a romantic relationship is a man who cares about the happiness of his woman. He wants her to glow. And he knows that in order for her to glow (not only physically, but in the way her aura is perceived), she must be able to turn off her brain sometimes when she’s in his presence. She must be able to rest and recharge when faced with stress. She must be able to enjoy a sweet little treat, literally and metaphorically (the kind he surprises her with sometimes, without her needing to ask). But most importantly, she must feel safe. In his arms and in his absence.

She needs to know she’s with a man who makes wise decisions. That he has control (sexual, financial, and mental). That he won’t overspend their money on silly things they don’t need, then watch her struggle to pay bills. That he’ll be able to protect her and their family. And that her heart will be able to breathe and beat so beautifully for him.

She needs to know that if life gets heavy, he will step up. That he won’t avoid responsibility. That when she’s tired, he will create a space for her to rest, not demand more from her. She needs to know that she can trust him with her body and her entire soul. That his heart is not selfish, but godly and devotional.

When a man leads well, her soul can rest. But when a man leads from ego or emotional immaturity, she won’t be able to soften and blossom, because she isn’t being watered properly or consistently.

There are many cases of bad leadership and forced, performative submission in so many relationships, unfortunately.

He makes decisions purely based on feeding his own needs and ego. He avoids accountability. He wants to be followed, but doesn’t know where he’s going. He preaches about being very masculine but expects her to go half on everything. He tells her to submit while he’s addicted to p*rn or engages with content of almost-naked women on social media. He wants to lead, but he hasn’t earned her trust.

She might stay with him, but she’ll start wearing an armor to protect herself, always guarded, always untrusting, always feeling uneasy, always thinking that she deserves a healthier love. And even if she wants to trust or respect him, she simply can’t, because his energy doesn’t feel safe.

His words may sound right, but his actions lack alignment. He tries to lead, but he’s only imposing his own will. He doesn’t feel the urge to meet her needs the way she tries to meet his; he only wants to feel and be treated like a king without earning the crown. His lustful energy controls him, and she feels this. She doesn’t feel seen or cherished. Her light starts to dim. Her smiles start to feel forced. She posts cute pictures of them on social media to keep up the image, but she cries herself to sleep. She pretends to agree with his opinions and suppresses her voice and emotions to avoid being called “dramatic” or “too emotional”. She laughs at jokes that actually hurt her. She asks for advice in her girl group chats instead of talking to him because deep down, she knows he wouldn’t listen. She learns to ignore her intuition in order to preserve the illusion of peace and keep the relationship alive.

That’s not love. That’s not healthy leadership. And that’s not submission. That is literally poison for women.

Deep down, I believe that all women desire to submit. It’s even a biological thing, our nervous systems are wired for it. The feminine flourishes in softness, but softness can only exist in the presence of safety. And it’s painful to see women who long to submit, to relax, to trust, and to surrender, but find themselves in a connection with a man who has not yet become a safe place for their softness.

She may stay for a while. She may try to let him know she craves more, and she may even try to “fix” him. But over time, her heart will break. Not just because of what he did or didn’t do, or because his inability to lead properly from a place of love, respect, and deep honor for the feminine, but because of what she lost in herself while trying to be loved by someone who hadn’t done the inner work to truly love her devotionally.

This is why men must go to God first before they ask a woman to trust them and follow them. Men must first grow in integrity, discipline their actions, gaze, and emotions, and align with their God-given purpose before they invite a woman into their world. Because when he leads well, her soul can rest. But when he leads poorly, her heart will pay the price.

And God knows she was never meant to carry that burden.

I’ve also seen many times what happens when a woman tries to submit to a man who isn’t ready to lead:

She starts second-guessing herself. She becomes insecure. Deep down, she has to step into her masculine energy (guarding her oracle, her heart) because she knows she cannot trust him to do it. And her femininity becomes completely performative. She cooks for him not because that’s one of her love languages, but to try to avoid him leaving her and to appear more “feminine” and “high value”. She pleases him only to try to earn his heart. She stays quiet when she’s hurting to avoid being gaslighted. She starts walking on eggshells. She takes care of her physical appearance not for herself anymore, not out of self-love, and not because she truly honors the sacredness of her temple, but out of fear—fear that if she doesn’t look a certain way, he will stop wanting her.

She agrees to things she doesn’t want to do, and she crosses her own boundaries—especially s*xually. She pretends to be open-minded and s*xually adventurous, not because her body craves it (or him), but because she wants to feel wanted and validated by a man who is making her feel abandoned and insecure. And even though part of her knows this isn’t true love, she stays. Because she’s hoping he’ll change, because she isn’t ready to let go, because she fears the unknown, and because she might think this is what it means to be feminine and submissive.

(But her heart knows the truth).

She follows him even though she doesn’t trust him, and this dissonance begins to evolve into resentment and emotional detachment. Her heart is no longer there, even if he still has access to her. Her nervous system never feels at rest. She’s constantly in her mind (not in her heart), wondering and carefully calculating how to keep his love, how not to upset him, how to be the right woman, the woman he’ll choose forever. She forgets how to be herself. She forgets what it feels like to truly be at peace. And she begins to resent herself too, not just him. Her body doesn’t like the idea that she’s shared her sacredness with someone who mishandled it. She feels disappointed in herself for surrendering to someone who wasn’t spiritually mature, emotionally safe, or masculine enough to protect her.

This is why submission must never be given lightly. It’s holy because it’s a key component in godly love. It’s powerful, and it can be incredibly healing for both women and men. So it must be honored. A woman’s submission is a natural and loving response to godly, healthy masculine leadership. One cannot exist without the other.

When a man is not ready to lead, it’s not the woman’s job to make him ready. A lot of women make this mistake, waiting and staying, believing their man will change and start honoring them one day. But this is falling for potential, hoping for a version of him that doesn’t exist yet. Waiting for someone to become the man you need can cost you your mental health, and even your sense of self, my love. Your submission is sacred, and it deserves to be given to a godly and honorable man, a man who already honors the feminine and you.

It’s not a woman’s role to ignore her intuition or perform a version of femininity that isn’t rooted in magic. True submission, just like true femininity, can’t be faked, and it can only exist in the presence of real masculine leadership. Anything else is just pretending.

The right man—the one who is truly submitted to God—will never ask you to submit to him. He’ll inspire you to naturally and effortlessly relax and trust his lead.

Submission is also the result of good health.

Submission requires two people. Two whole, healthy people: a man who is mentally strong, spiritually grounded, emotionally intelligent, and physically disciplined, and a woman who is emotionally mature, spiritually healthy, and deeply in touch with her beautiful feminine nature.

Submission has to flow from a place of abundance, not emptiness. You can’t submit from a place of fear, and you can’t lead well from a place of brokenness. When that happens, you’re only using submission as a superficial tool to fill an inner void that only you and God can fill.

For a man to lead in a way that is healthy and reflects his divinity as a man, he must be mentally healthy, which simply means not being ruled by chaos. He must have the ability to stay calm under pressure. He must have self-awareness and emotional maturity. And his mind must be lucid and composed so he can consistently make decisions that are not rooted in impulse.

He must also be spiritually healthy. A man who hasn’t submitted to God can’t be fully trusted by his partner because men who don’t let God lead them can’t properly lead a woman, and will most likely lead from a place of pride, control, or even pain. But when a man has a strong connection with God first before he builds a strong romantic connection with his woman, his leadership becomes wise, protective, gentle, and so divine.

And lastly, he must be physically healthy, too. Because a man who honors his body creates safety. For us women, a man who takes care of his physical health (not necessarily “looks maxxing”) shows that he is disciplined and can handle responsibility. It means that he has control over his body, and not the other way around. And that makes us women feel safe enough to pour into him without fear and without needing to perform our devotion.

Women must also be healthy in our feminine. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

A woman who is disconnected from her body, disconnected from her true feminine essence, or wounded, may want to submit, but she will struggle to do so from a pure and authentic place. Her submission will be rooted in people-pleasing, fear of abandonment, or even trauma (sexual trauma, in many cases). It may also come from a desperate need for approval, or the belief that her worth depends on how much she sacrifices herself for others. This kind of “submission” is more of a survival mechanism than a true expression of what submission means.

She will confuse submission with codependency or with needing a man to “save” her, which is different from the divine feminine who knows she’s a princess and a queen—deserving of help when she needs it and of being taken care of (but, as J. Cole says, “she don’t wanna be saved”). A woman should never submit to a man only as a way to be chosen. That will always lead to heartbreak. All women should learn from the divine feminine, who doesn’t need to be saved because she is whole and complete on her own—just like her man. It’s two whole souls uniting and becoming one. This is what all women and men should expect in a relationship.

A healthy woman is not a perfect woman. There’s no such thing as a perfect man or woman. But she knows who she is. She doesn’t suppress her needs or emotions, she integrates them. She does the necessary inner work to become the woman God has called her to be, the most beautiful, healed, wise, and nurturing woman she can be, for herself and for her man. She feels safe in her own skin. She honors her body. She’s not trying to manipulate with her femininity. Her softness is real and consistent, whether others water her or not. And most importantly, she allows herself to receive.

Submission enhances a woman’s ability to enter her natural state of receiving. A woman can’t relax and offer the best of herself in a relationship if she’s carrying the weight of leading both herself and her man. Women can’t be in their masculine energy in this context. This doesn’t mean the divine feminine doesn’t honor her masculine energy within (we all have both), but women should never use it when they’re in the presence of their man.

When a woman can trust her man’s leadership, she can receive his protection and his presence. There is divine polarity in this design. Masculine and feminine. Giving and receiving. Leading and surrendering. When these energies are honored, the relationship, the trust, and the love can keep growing. The man will feel strong, needed, and respected, and the woman will feel safe, adored, and soft. It’s all about harmony. Like the sun and the moon: different, but equal in value.

Physically, she respects her body and tends to it like a lush garden. Her energy is warm, not anxious. She radiates peace because she’s in love with her own existence and grateful to God for making her a woman. Thanks to this, she can submit to a man not because she needs to, but because she wants to, she desires to. She respects herself as a woman, but she also has deep respect and admiration for the masculine.

The union of a healthy masculine leader and a healthy feminine submissive woman creates so much harmony. When both are healthy, submission won’t feel like a role you need to “play”. It becomes natural. She’ll want to follow her man because she trusts him and his leadership. She knows he makes good decisions and cares about her. He wants to lead because he treasures her heart and desires the best for her and for both of them.

Love is what motivates this dynamic.

Women deserve to feel safe enough to be submissive, and men, good and respectable men, also deserve to experience the deliciousness of our submissiveness.

Honor your man’s decisions, especially when they align with godly principles. Receive his leadership, love and protection with gratitude. Show him with words and actions that you appreciate all his efforts and everything he does for you and to make your life easier. Privately and publicly support him, support his ideas, support his passions, support his mission. Be patient and gentle, and extend grace. Understand that neither of you are perfect (this doesn’t mean accepting disrespect). If something doesn’t make you feel good or hurts you, communicate openly (from a place of love) instead of letting frustration build. Let him know how you feel and solve things as a team instead of holding back your affection or pretending you’re “okay” when you’re not. Be trustworthy too, be loyal, and earn his respect (these qualities are not exclusive to men). Pray for him regularly, so God can keep guiding him, inspiring him, blessing him, and protecting him.

In everyday life, submission can also look like letting him take the lead on plans, trusting his decisions without second-guessing, or simply being his safe space and his home when he feels tired or overwhelmed.

Physical submission is also an important and sacred part of this dynamic. I haven’t focused much on this aspect because when people think about submission, lustful submission is usually the first thing that crosses their minds. Submission is incredibly sacred and much more than just that. Physical submission is only a small part of the whole definition, but it’s no less important.

A woman who loves his man will be physically submissive too. She will respond positively to his touch. She will massage him after a long day of work. She will allow herself to be vulnerable physically. Etc. Physical submission can be as sweet, healing, and divine as emotional submission, as long as it comes from a place of love and authenticity.

When a woman genuinely and naturally desires to please her man physically, it’s because it reflects the deep respect and love she has for him. She’s not forcing herself to be submissive. She’s not trying. His happiness and well-being matters inmensely to her, and when passion and respect flow both ways, intimacy will never feel “forced”. Instead, it becomes an incredibly beautiful expression of their sacred bond, where both of them feel valued, desired (physically, emotionally, mentally), and safe.